The universe sometimes places us in tough situations to reveal who truly supports us when we have nothing and are at our lowest. Instead of just offering prayers, take action. Pick up the phone and call them or drive over to see them. Be the answer to someone’s prayer.
The people I have loved but had to walk away from will always remain in my memories. However, these are also the people I found I could not count on when I needed them most. It seems that many people nowadays appreciate friendship as a concept, but retreat when it is time to act like a friend.
If you are going through a particularly painful time in your life and people are absent when you need them the most, consider it a blessing in disguise. Your eyes are opened to the rare and superior few who remain, if any do.
To be fair, if you are like me—known for being aloof but always there when someone needs you—and do not let anyone know you’re struggling, you cannot blame them for not being there.
The truth hurts, especially when people you think are close to you are not. But it is a gift to know where you stand with them.
You will never know who your true friends are or how genuine your relationship is in times of ease, privilege, or contentment. Only in times of distress and hardship will you see the people in your life for who they really are. Some will abandon you while others may secretly delight in your misfortune. Whatever the case, the gift is in the unveiling.
Real friendship is rare. I have never extended the word lightly. It is precious to me, and I reserve it.
Years ago, I had people in my life I called friends. I believed they were friends. I loved them. I still do. But hard times taught me that I deserved to know the truth, to stop being so invested, and to stop giving so much. I could have kept these people in my life; they would have continued to call me, to take my time and generosity. Yet they are the same people who would not drive 20 minutes to see me when my world fell apart. I gracefully released them from my life, feel no ill will, and believe that true friendship lies in a balanced exchange of energy.
You Can’t Have A Conversation With Everyone.
Some people will remain in defensive mode, which only exacerbates contention.
In the Spring of 2022, I experienced a traumatic fall down a flight of narrow wooden stairs, resulting in multiple leg fractures and a broken ankle. I was conscious during the fall, feeling and hearing every snap and break. The pain was so excruciating that after ten minutes of lying on the floor and unable to move, I mercifully lost consciousness and came to in the emergency room. After multiple surgeries, I was unable to walk for several months. This period unmasked the true nature of the people in my life.
One acquaintance I had known for over two decades never reached out even after a family member ran into her and informed her of my accident. After a week of silence, I decided to remove her from what remained of my social media. It was not until then that she reached out, but I did not respond. The discomfort, weakness and pain left me with no energy to explain that when I truly needed her, she was not only absent, but silent. Knowing her well, I anticipated a defensive argument and did not have the strength to engage.
For years, I had been the giver in our friendship, always there to help. Yet, when I needed her, she was nowhere to be found. If she had shown any effort to show she cared, I would have been happy to listen to her. But her lack of support proved she was not a friend.
I decided it was best for us both if I removed myself from her life. I do not dislike her, but I have no further interest in her. She taught me a valuable lesson: you cannot have a conversation with everyone, and being a friend to someone does not mean they will be a friend to you.
Release yourself from one-sided relationships to focus your time and energy on those who truly care. Sometimes, oftentimes really, it is not even the people you would expect.
I wrote the following two decades ago. She passed away before old age. I love her still.
I Will Be There For You
It was not that long ago when a friend called me up. She was hurting and afraid to ask for help. She is older than me and does not have children.
“This injury scared me,” she confessed. “What am I going to do when I m old? Who is going to take care of me if I need help?”
“I will,” I answered.
“But we don’t see each other as much as we used to.”
“I am still your friend,” I said. “I do nothing out of obligation. If I have to clean up your vomit or wipe your ass it’s because I want to.”
And there you have it.
We choose the ones we let affect our lives. For better or worse.
Quotes
“When a friend is in trouble, don’t annoy him by asking if there is anything you can do. Think up something appropriate and do it.”
E.W. Howe
“Remember something…these people don’t give a fuck about you unless you’re doing something for them.”
Unknown
“A good friend will not just tell you it’s all going to be fine. A good friend will tell you it’s all really fucked and the next few months will be hell but will phone in for pizza, and say, ‘You will not face this hell alone.'”
Beau Taplin
“Don’t give so much of yourself to people who will not do the same for you.”
“Sometimes you have to suffer in life, not because you were bad, but because you didn’t realize where and when to stop being good.”
“I had a procedure that required someone to pick me up and stay with me. I hired my “handyman” to come pick me up and paid him 50$ and asked him “just pretend you care and tell them when they discharged me that you will stay the night.” Bless his heart, he played the part well. For me the hardest part is when you have to fill out forms with the emergency contact or next of kin. It is usually empty.”
DH Darling 