The apex of marriage may not be in savoring the success, but in surviving the struggle.
I married right out of high school. My husband is just one year my senior. Everyone said that we were fools and our marriage would not last. We had no supporters, well-wishes, or even a kind word extended our way. We did not have a wedding. One evening we decided to go to the courthouse and get married on a whim.
I did not have a dress, bouquet, or even a photographer, though I do wish I had a photo.
Afterwards we went out for tacos and when we got home, we went on an evening walk and ran through sprinklers that were on at a nearby church. It has been 33 years. Not all those years were without effort. There have been financial mistakes, significant losses, struggles with health, heartache over child-rearing (their pain is our pain), disappointment, sorrow, and periods of disharmony. But there has been balance, patience, the ability to understand our differences (he’s the golden retriever, I’m the black cat), and we always have each other’s backs. With all we’ve experienced we define our marriage as a contented commitment and passionate partnership.
When asked for marriage advice I do not have much because there is no formula right for everyone. What worked for us were the simple things. We see ourselves as a team, partners instead of competitors. It was always just us, so we had no meddling in our relationship.
My husband has his roles. I have mine. We are not bothered or worked up by these terms. Our roles, which work for us, are complementary and we do not see these roles on a scale of importance. We realize that not everything is 50/50. Sometimes one will do more, but the effort is always there, along with appreciation (and a bit of spice). We take care of each other. We listen to each other. We do not withhold intimacy from one another. He does all the things I either do not want to do or do not have the skill set to do. I have no qualms about “serving” him because he serves me. I still tell him thank you whenever we dine out, pick up a coffee, or when he opens the door for me. We acknowledge one another in all things and this is what works for us.
Ride or die whether you fail or fly.
Folk Tale
“There was an elderly king who only had one son. When the time came for the young man to find a wife, the king reminded his son she needed to be a woman of character. She needed to be capable of one day serving as his queen. So the young man began his search for such a woman.
He believed most young women would put their best foot forward if they knew he was the prince, so he chose to disguise himself as a peasant farmer. Many ladies regarded him with disdain, so he moved on.
After several weeks, he came to a village. A young woman saw him looking tired and hungry, and she offered him food, water and a place to rest. He discovered she was kind, intelligent and wise.
He knew she was the kind of woman who could become a wise and wonderful queen, and he wanted her as his wife. Her father voiced concern that his daughter would marry such a poor man, but the young woman reasoned with wisdom and conviction, and her father relented. The prince in disguise returned home to prepare for the wedding.
Soon afterwards, he returned for his bride-to-be, but this time as himself, the prince. The couple married, and years later he became king. His princess proved to be the queen he knew she would be, and together they ruled the kingdom with wisdom and justice.”
True love is an unexplainable connection of the heart, one that endures triumph and tragedy, pain and suffering, obstacles and loss. It is something that is either present or missing. It is the unexplainable reason that some marriages entered into after one-week courtships can last a lifetime. Its absence is why “perfect” marriages fall apart. It can’t be quantified or explained in science, religion, or philosophy. It can’t be advised on by friends or marriage counselors who can’t take their own advice. There are no rules, no how-to books, no guaranteed methods of success. It is not defined by vows or rings or promises of tomorrow. It is simply a miracle of God, that too few are blessed to experience.
Richard Doetsch
Touching story of how a devoted husband, 84, has taken care of his paralysed wife for 56 Years
DH Darling 